TV Talk

This week's lineup on Boundless includes an article by Josh Harris of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl and Not Even a Hint fame.

In it he talks about the dangers of absorbing pop culture and the biblical warnings against it. Because so much of our media looks not only harmless but good, he reasons, it's easy to fall into the sin it promotes. His reasoning is solid.

"The greatest danger of the popular media is not a one-time exposure to a particular instance of sin (as serious as that can be)," he writes. "It's how long-term exposure to worldliness — little chunks of poison pill, day after day, week after week — can deaden our hearts to the ugliness of sin."

The more books for singles I read (authors like Camerin Courtney, Connally Gilliam and secular author Jillian Straus come to mind), the more I'm convinced that popular entertainment is what's shaping single women's attitudes about men, courtship, marriage and family. References to Friends and Sex in the City abound in recently published books. The top rated shows of yesterday and today all paint a dim picture of marriage and family. The best sex, according to them, is single sex. As Straus says, "there's hot sex, romantic sex and married sex." Once you get married on these shows, that's when the fun stops; unless of course you cheat on your husband.

But it's not true. Straus goes on to quote studies that show married sex is actually the best; married people report the most sexual satisfaction. Still, we tend to believe what we see on TV.

The Christian authors talk about singleness being more holy than marriage — they talk about having a Godly view on their status — but their thinking, on display in their writing, bears witness to the influence of television more than the verses they quote. As Harris says in the Boundless article, "Too many of us sow to the flesh every day — watching hours of TV but spending 15 minutes in devotions — and wonder why we don't reap a harvest of holiness."

And this influence isn't limited to published authors. For example, I often view the blogs of people who comment on my blog. In their profiles they say things that identify them as believers. One caught my attention when under "favorite movies" Pride and Prejudice appeared right next to Bridget Jones' Diary. Even my Barnes and Noble copy of Pride and Prejudice talks about what a bastardization of P&P Bridget Jones is; full of profanity and promiscuity and utterly foolish situations that Elizabeth Bennett never would have abided.

Still, Christian women go on loving pop culture, unaware of or unwilling to shield themselves from the lies that interfere with biblical thinking. Even Debbie Maken referenced Sex and the City in a way that made me wonder if she's a fan of the show. As much as I love her book and think it's the best one on the market for singles who want to be married, I think it's time we all take a hard look at what influences our thinking, and by default, our actions. Harris' article is a good place to start.

"Following Christ carries radical implications for the believer's lifestyle," he reminds us. "If we would honor God in this area, we need to regularly re-evaluate our media habits."

You cannot uncritically inhale the cultural air and still expect to exhale biblical virtue.

Entertainment has everything to do with our ability to live out our faith.

Challenge Accepted

I'm thrilled by Elena's comment on "I Dare You" (below). She's accepted the dare and started reading Debbie Maken's book, Getting Serious About Getting Married.

What does she think about it?

Candice, I bought Getting Serious About Getting Married last night and I read the Intro and Chapter 1 and immediately called my best friend. We decided that the "waving the white hanky" of agreement was an inadequate metaphor for the feelings we had over Debbie Maken's message — it was time to bring out the entire marching band and let them do their halftime show, we're SO in agreement with Debbie.

Wahoo! I know there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who will be equally encouraged by this very challenging read (not literarily speaking, but culturally). I'm glad for Elena's help in spreading the word.

Boundless just posted my full-blown review of the book.

I'm so eager to hear from lots of readers: What do you think of it?

Go get it. Read it. And share the wealth. This is a book to pass on to and discuss with your best friends!

Debating Birth Control, Wrap Up

I promised to come back to the missionary couple example that Ashleigh raised. In addition to all the great reasons she thought of herself and noted in her comment (in Part 1), Natural Family Planning (NFP) would be an ideal method of spacing children for this imaginary couple on principle, and in all practicality. Why? Well for starters, NFP is self-contained. No need for pharmacies and international prescription transfers. It's always available. But even better, NFP requires both husband and wife to work together to understand and accommodate the wife's fertility.

I know from personal experience that such partnering matures communication and affection, a great plus when you're newly married. Again, considering the effectiveness of NFP--when it's actually followed--there would be no reason for this couple to fear "untimely" children. (The same could not be said for chemical and barrier methods.)And should they decide to proceed intimately despite the wife's symptoms of fertility, they would do so knowing they might conceive and therefore, foster a heart attitude of openness to God's will for their family.

Debating Birth Control, Part 2

To Ashleigh and other readers who are wondering about the finer points of difference between NFP and artificial birth control -- when both husband and wife have a heart attitude of openness to children -- I'd recommend a little book by Sam and Bethany Torode called Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception. It's a comprehensive look at what makes NFP different from all the other methods. And they do a much better job of discussing this complex issue than I ever could in the space of this blog.

I'd love to hear back from you when you've read it. You can also read a shorter article by them on Christianity Today's website.

I think I'll get my copy out and reread it, too.

Debating Birth Control, Part 1

Ashleigh wrote,

I'm not a fan of hormonal birth control options, however is there a place for other types of birth control, aside from natural family planning? Are there exceptions where birth control is useful and a viable option?

For example, what about nursing mothers who have a small infant? They aren't ready to be pregnant again, but aren't having a cycle yet so they can't really do natural family planning? And, while many say that nursing is a form of birth, it's not guaranteed.

Or, what about young married couples that are overseas as missionaries. They want kids, but they are just getting acclimated to their new surroundings and want to take one big life change at a time?

Anyway, I'm wondering if there are exceptions when it comes to the issue of birth control -- if it's for a limited amount of time and not used as a way of being intentionally childless as a lifestyle.

I'll start with her first example: the nursing mother with a near-toddler. I know the anxiety that scenario produces from first hand experience. I also know the misery of morning sickness (morning-noon-and-night in my case).

In that circumstance, it's tempting to depend on a barrier method of contraception to put your mind at ease. That said, I think it's equally important to recognize that the failure rate of condoms is quite high (15%) while the failure rate of NFP is the lowest of all tested methods (2%). I also know that serious NFPers would argue that ecological breastfeeding does prevent conception (though not every woman is physiologically able to nurse).

To depend on condoms or any other method of artificial contraception is to put our trust in the untrustworthy. Again, I understand the temptation, but we must be honest about what we're trusting so as not to be disappointed if we're let down.

God is perfectly trustworthy. His failure rate is zero. Though I don't always act on that knowledge, I want to. And I'm praying for the maturity to act on it.

It's funny, I was so concerned about conceiving too soon after baby number two arrived — for the reasons Ashleigh mentioned — that we did go to extra measures to try and prevent another conception.

When we finally decided we were ready to have another baby, we found we couldn't conceive. It took two and a half years of trying to get pregnant again. And I thought I had everything under control. I'm so thankful God blessed us with another pregnancy and am reminded that ultimately, my fertility is in His hands.

Next up: the missionary couple example.

Marriage Without Children?

Thanks to Alaberi for asking a simple and yet profound question: "Why does a godly woman have to be open to having children (see your "C")? Isn't a marriage where procreation is not an object still valid if it is God-centered?"

There's so much to say on this subject it's hard to know where to begin. I'll jump in with the short answer first: A marriage that is obedient to God's design will find both husband and wife open to the blessing of children.

I'm not surprised to get this question -- we've gotten it a lot on Boundless.org -- especially in a culture where the word of the day is control. The discovery of chemical birth control affects not only a woman's cycle, but her mind and heart. "I can prevent pregnancy," she thinks. But if the pill fails, pregnancy is suddenly an unwanted consequence. That's a far cry from the biblical imagery of children as wealth, an inheritance from the LORD, the desire of God's heart (Malachi 2:15).

Until the advent of chemical birth control, to decide not to have children wasn't even an option. In Scripture, barrenness was always a tragedy; a curse. Only recently have the church and culture embraced intentional barrenness. Only recently have couples omitted the part of the traditional wedding vows that promised a willingness to receive children.

The flip side -- a whole other topic -- is the growing number of Christian couples who thought they never wanted kids, but have changed their minds. The only problem is that many waited too long and they aren't as fertile as they used to be. Delay is one of the primary reasons for the surge in infertility diagnoses and demand for help conceiving.

For a succint and pointed look at the problem, read this article about deliberate childlessness by Al Mohler, author and President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.