What are Men Doing about it?
It's been refreshing to hear from the guys out there. I'm glad to know the CDC report is stirring up conversation. My question for all you male readers, in light of the fact that you agree with these stats, is what specifically are you doing to get to marriage? What steps are you taking to move toward the altar? Maybe the gals are missing your cues and need a little insight.
The reality remains: despite what we say we want, men and women are marrying later than ever. Best case scenario is that our actions are not matching up with our desires. Now that we've identified the desire, let's talk about actions.
posted by AuthorMama @ 8:15 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
In response to Ken, I believe a large problem is that men have been conditioned to fend for themselves. "Got a personal problem? Suck it up and deal it, son." So what incentive would there be to take young men aside and mentor them? Society thinks that men already have enough privileges so they don't need our attention. The result is that entire demographic of men born in 60s-80s have been left without any sound direction on what manhood looks like.
There are promising signs that some men are waking up and coming to a knowledge of manhood. What relationship it will have to marriage, per se, is a question I think is yet to be resolved.
- Anakin (scripturallysingle.blogspot.com)
In response to Da Bears statement:
I am glad that he has a positive relationship with his father. However, I think I know some men who had loving fathers in the home ... who were still nonetheless unprepared to face the web of falsehoods about manhood that plague our society. The statement, "Stop making excuses and get an education, career, and get married" is a facile one to make, but I fear it is not particulary helpful.
I don't think it's a matter of an absent vs. present father, or a loving vs. unloving one, but of one who believed in teaching his sons to be a man vs. one who didn't. I definitely often feel like a big wuss who might provoke the statement "Stop making excuses and get an education, career, and get married." But many of us have baby boomer parents who were the first generation to undergo large-scale adolescent rebellion, pledged "if I ever have kids, I'm not going to [discipline them/care if they smoke pot/make them sit up straight and say please and thank you/whatever]," and stuck to their guns as adults. My dad used to openly talk about resenting his mother's efforts to "mold" him and force him to behave when he was young, and always said "you can't control your kids" and "it's important for kids to be able to do what all the other kids are doing." And he practiced what he preached. Consequently, though my dad was around, and I never thought he and my mom didn't love me, I never received any instruction in, well, life--from the little things like table manners to the big things like preparing for life as an adult man--because my dad didn't believe that kids should. ISTM that that philosophical holdover from the sixties affected lots of families of my generation.
To get back to the original topic: I admit, I'm not doing much. But then, at 29, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Where do you meet single Christian women post-college? My last relationship, which I wanted to progress to marriage, ended at the girl's behest. I then tried signing up for eHarmony, but at the end of their questionnaire I was rejected as one of the 20% who are unmatchable! I signed up for another online Christian dating site, but so far, no profiles of women in my general geographical area have caught my eye, and I certainly haven't been contaced by any. There are a few single women at my church, but none who interest me. As for meeting women out there in the world, in a coffee shop or on the train for example, I have heard tales of that happening from Christians who life in the Bible belt, but I'm the liberal northeast, and while miracles can happen, my experience has been that the only place one runs into fellow Christians around here is in a church setting. So what exactly am I supposed to do?
One might ask: these girls I acknowledge are out there but who don't interest me, why don't they interest me? Because this is the internet, where anonymity reigns and I cannot be booed and pelted with rotten fruit, I will freely admit: looks. I still harbor the hope of marrying a girl who meets whatever looks standards I have in my mind. But I suppose I could theoretically give up on that. Is that, then, what I'm supposed to do? Forget about looks entirely and marry a girl I find homely but who's at least willing to marry me?
In response to jake,
At least you're honest, and many Christian guys really aren't. Research backs up what you say: Appearance is huge. It gives people a big advantage in terms of getting dates, job offers, etc.
In addition, I doubt that anyone would suggest you marry someone who you don't find physically attractive. God is the one who created the concept of beauty and sexual desire which for a guy is largely based upon looks. It's not shallow to expect to be attracted to your wife.
That being said, however, I will say that for both guys and girls, first glances are merely a starting point. Attraction can grow or diminish based upon a person's actions, demeanor, etc. What I mean is that a moderately attractive girl who smiles a lot and has a positive attitude will always be more appealing than a supermodel who never smiles and does nothing but complain.
The problem is though that in the online eniornment, we often don't get an opportunity to see that side of a person. All we see is a photo and we make our judgement calls on that. That's why I think for the most part the online dating scene (even "Christian" ones) is a failure.
The problem now is what do the majority of "average Joe's" do to make themselves more appealing? Although a lot of it is simple serendipity I do believe there are ways to make maximize your opportunities:
- Go to places where the young ladies are. This may sound like a "duh" but I think we need as guys need to do more than just our single's group. College campuses, the mall (employees), etc.
- Wear nice clothing. Yes, there is a time for the jeans/T-shirt deal, but showing YOU care about your appearance too may impress her
- Be bold. Don't be afraid to ask for a date. Offer your number. Yes, you'll get lots of strikes but at least the girl will know you are interested if her mind changes. All it takes is one hit.
- Ask friends/family for setups. A person is more willing to go out with a stranger if it's per a recommendation from someone she trusts. Of course, this kind of technique can be tricky, but I think it's a great way
- Pray. 'Nuff said.
Hi Jake,
I understand your anxieties about feeling adrift as a young man. I, too, felt that way when I became Christian and found myself among a different subculture. My advice? I think we should distinguish between cultural ideals and biblical ideals. I suppose many of us men would like to eat healthy, be financially savy, have excellent interpersonal skills, be married, have smart children, be active in our communities, etc. These are all good things, but they are they the crux of Biblical manhood? We should read the Beatitudes. Do the people Jesus praise sound like Mr. Success? I suspect "Biblical manhood" is not what many of us have convinced ourselves it is.
Second point: You speak of your difficulty in find a religious woman that seems compatible with you. You represent the reality for a lot of Bible-believers. A Christian man's religious convictions often means the dating pool is shrunk for him. As much as he wants to marry, the pond he finds himself in is often not very well-stocked. He runs to online dating, but this medium is rife with pitfalls. Forgive me for the analogy, but online dating is like a casino. The few success stories lure in the prospects who lay down their money hoping for a similiar payout. But possiblity does not equal probability. So, religious men go out and get burned on the matchmakng sites. I understand what you are going through. That is why I reject the facile platitudes that "men just need to step and take initiative," etc.
Third point you raise: Physical attractiveness is important, since physical intimacy is a required component of marriage (1 Cor 7:2ff). Therefore, I would not recommend you getting involved with a woman who is unattractive to you. I am realistic enough to know that many of us look "so-so" or "okay." But looking "okay" is not the same as someone whose appearances will be a hindrance in the marital relationship.
Gortexgrrl writes:
Anakin and Jake--"A Christian man's religious convictions often means the dating pool is shrunk for him." What on earth are you talking about?! Do you know that there are at least 2 young single Christian women for every single Christian man? And it gets worse for women in their 30's, and even worse than that for those in their 40's! Eharmony and other Christian singles sites have a wealth of Christian women and a serious shortage of men for them. These are readily accessible facts that have been written about extensively in Christianity Today ("O Brothers, where art thou?"). Don't any of you guys feel humbled by that?
To be honest, I am not sure that makes much of a difference to many men. There exists the possibility that a significant number of women only go after a few men. We do a disserve to the truth if we assume that women are entirely passive in the "game of love." They signal receptivity, and they have the power to say No. Men know this all too well. Part of maturity is rejecting the mentality of victimhood. Unfortunately, many women show lack of insight in how they sabotage their own chances of having a happy relationship with a man. Raw numbers also do not take into account the possibility the number of women who are simply not marriage material. We have just read about some statistics that show women are less marriage-minded than men. How do we expect men to ameliorate this situation? Start forcing women to get married against their will?
With these odds, if you guys think there aren't enough attractive, godly women out there, then maybe your expectations need some reality testing. Unless you yourselves are attractive and successful, you probably will need to "lower your standards" like everybody else. Almost all men, at least unconsciously (if not deliberately) go through the risk entailing process of "aiming high" and asking their way down their ladder of options. All except evangelical men, of course, who are taught to see this as "ungodly". But as they "wait on the Lord" (btw Jake, women hardly ever answer men's internet ads), their untested expectations stay as high and dormant as Mt. St.Helens!
There's no way around it, guys: you must get out there and get your face slapped a few times to find out who you are and who you're not, who you can have and who you can't have.
Gortexgrrl, it is obvious that you feel very strongly about this matter. I am curious as to why this is and would like to know about your personal experiences concerning the expectations of men, etc.
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